‘Tickling Butterflies’ – The King and the Farting Ferret

I’m serializing my fairy tale novel, Tickling Butterflies. A new fairy tale ‘episode’ is published every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

Here’s the story so far.

And now the fairy tales begin to change:

PART 5

THE LAND OF NO RESPECT

The King and the Farting Ferret

(Containing the ridiculous tale of King Charming the First and Fred the Farting Ferret.)

 

Once, in the days following King John the Cute’s visit to the Happily Ever After Home for the Married, King John the Cute came to Minister Vazir and said to him, “In my travels over the Land of all Legends with Chariot, we came over an island. Chariot told me that it is a strange island that no one can enter and even less people leave, and no one knows anything about it. What can you tell me about that island?”

“Indeed,” Minister Vazir nodded. “The facts of the matter are that it is a secret island that few can enter and only one has ever left. Legend says that on that island live only creatures and people that do not get respect in other lands. Creatures that are funny find their way to the Land of No Respect. There they stay until they die. I have heard only one tale of this island.”

“Tell me that tale.”

Once upon a time, began Minister Vazir, during the first days of the reign of King Charming the First, the king set off to the high seas in his royal yacht. King Charming the First was a magnificent king, noble and high-minded. He was the wisest man in the land, the richest, the most charming, and the most important. He sailed the ship with dozens of servants who helped him with his every need.

One day, he saw on the horizon an island. When he asked the yacht’s captain what island was this, the captain did not know.

“Set sail for that island,” ordered King Charming the First.

The yacht set sail for the island. As the island came into clearer view, it was met with a tiny boat. On the tiny boat was a tiny ferret.

The ferret bid the boat to stop, and stop it did.

“My name is Fred the Farting Ferret,” said Fred the Farting Ferret. “Who are you?”

“I am King Charming the First,” said King Charming the First. “I am the king of the Land of All Legends.”

“Very nice to meet you,” said Fred the Farting Ferret, and then he farted. “What do you seek?”

“We seek to go to that island,” King Charming the First pointed at the island.

“That is the Land of No Respect,” said the ferret and farted. “According to our rules and regulations, only those who fart may step upon its shores.”

King Charming the First could not believe his ears. “I am sure I misheard you.”

“That,” the ferret said and farted again, “is the Land of No Respect. Our laws state clearly: You must fart to get in. If you do not fart, you stay out.”

“My young ferret,” King Charming the First was beside himself. “I am the king of this land. I am the king of you. I am the king of this island. I will set foot on it if I wish.”

“Then fart. Our law books say that everybody farts.” said the ferret and farted again.

“My dear, misguided ferret,” King Charming the First’s cheeks were growing redder. “I do not fart. I am respected by all. I am charming. I do not condone unseemly deeds. Everybody may fart, but I do not, regardless of what your law books say. Now move aside and allow us to pass.”

“Fart first,” the ferret said and farted at the same time. “I’m sure you can do it.”

“My foolish, foolish ferret. I do not fart. I have never farted. I do not belch. I have never belched. I do not sneeze. I do not cough. I do not go to the bathroom. I have never done an unseemly deed. I am respect personified. I am as a king should be.”

“Fart for me or stay out,” said the ferret. He waited two seconds, and then he farted.

Now the king’s anger was growing. “My felonious ferret, I have entire armies at my disposal. They will attack you, they will destroy you, they will annihilate you. Unless you do as I say and move aside.”

The ferret considered this, then said, “Only soldiers who fart may get in. Now fart for me, king.”

“I will have you jailed!” the king was beside himself with rage.

“Fart, fart, fart for me, king!” the ferret smiled and farted.

“I will have you hanged!”

“Give me a big, big fart, king!” And to give King Charming an example, he turned around, and let out a big, big fart. “Like this!”

The king was so enraged, that he lost control for the first time in his life. And so, for the first time in his life, he lost control over his bodily functions, including the muscle that had kept all the gas inside his stomach for his entire life.

And suddenly, a fart escaped his behind. All the gas he had kept in his body all his life, all the farts he had not let escape during his lifetime, now escaped him in the biggest and longest fart the world had ever seen. This fart lasted one hour and fifteen minutes.

And when the king looked around, all red and embarrassed, he saw that all his servants and all the ship’s crew were laughing. But they weren’t laughing at him. They suddenly seemed closer, more friendly.

Fred the Farting Ferret also laughed and let the King set foot in the Land of No Respect, a land the philosophy of which is that everybody farts. One by one, all the servants farted for Fred the Farting Ferret, and he let them pass.

A month later, King Charming the First’s yacht returned to its home, but only the king was aboard it. All the rest, he had told whoever asked, had chosen to stay on the island. King Charming the First would also have liked to stay, but he knew he had to leave. The act of leaving had hurt so much, that he promised never to return.

In the years to come, when the king told the tale of the Land of No Respect, he told people that the Land of No Respect is the strangest land in the Land of All Legends. It has its own strange rules and regulations, which are sometimes stronger than the rules of the Land of All Legends. And yet everywhere you go there, you always find a reason to laugh. His crew was laughing so hard that they did not want to leave.

The king even told his friends that when he had left he had told the ferret that from now on the island would be called ‘The Land of Funny Stories’. The ferret had said that it sounded too important and respectful and that they preferred to be called ‘The Land of No Respect’. King Charming the First agreed. Then he said goodbye to the ferret and farted.

“This has been the ridiculous tale,” Minister Vazir said, “of the land of funny stories and of the time King Charming the First learned that even kings fart.”

King John the Cute was in deep thought for a long time after hearing the story. “A strange land with strange rules?” he mumbled to himself. “A secret island… Secrets and mysteries that perhaps have answers we do not know of…?”

Suddenly he straightened. “We must go there! Prepare Chariot! I leave immediately!”

This has been the ridiculous tale of how King John the Cute decided to visit the Land of No Respect.

(To be continued on Tuesday…)

The Emoticon Generation by Guy Hasson

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