Guest Post at SF Signal: Keep It Stupid Simpleton

A new article of mine has been published over at SF Signal. A new trend in high-tech, called GOP (“Guest Post Optimization”), brands SF readers as stupid. Here’s a taste:

 

A few days ago, I got a phone call from an unknown caller.

“Am I speaking to Guy Hasson?” The woman was cordial.

“Yes,” I said, wary.

“I read your guest post in SF Signal,” she said as if we’re old friends. “The one about the zombies.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Strangers don’t usually call me about these things. There’s a reason God created email.

“And I saw no one left any comments,” she continued.

“Yeah?” I said, warier and warier.

“We can help you with that.”

 

Read the entire post here. Oh, and read the comments, too.

Improving English: 12 Ways to Categorize Americans

We all remember with fondness the time Americans stopped calling some of their citizens the offensive word ‘black’ and started calling them ‘African Americans’.

Non-American blacks, even those visiting or working in the US, were still stuck with the offensive name, but somehow persevered.

Recently, one of the MSNBC anchors called teachers ‘Unselfish Americans’ and that got me thinking that indeed many offensive categories, like ‘blacks’ or ‘teachers’, could use a bit more protection from the PC police. And so, as a service to the public, here are a few modest proposals that will cause millions of American citizens to live happier, more fulfilling lives.

1. Models and supermodels will, from this point on, be called Photoshopped Americans.
2. Farmers, from this point on, will be called Cock-a-Doodle-Doo Americans.
3. Americans living in the South will now be called Fiddle-Dee-Dee Americans.
4. Singers of any kind will now be called Tra-La-La Americans.
5. Jews, from this point on, will be called Kosher Americans.
6. Asians of any lineage will now be called Kung Fu Americans.
7. Rapists will now be called Penised Americans.
8. Women called Edith will, from this point on, be called Dingbat Americans. (That’s for you folks over forty).
9. People who love Cher will, from this point on, be called Shoop Shoop Americans.
10. Lovers of Tolkien’s works will henceforth be called Middle Earth Americans.
11. Children between the ages of 3 to 6 will now be called Potty Trained Americans.
12. And lastly: Lovers of S&M will henceforth be called Slapping Americans.

If you have any more categories that you want to share, in order to make this a better and less offensive society, please put them in the comments.

The Emoticon Generation